Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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