Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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