Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
