i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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