I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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