Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
