Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
