I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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