He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
