The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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