My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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