drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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