dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
