I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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