My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
