omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
