Plan B is the new Plan A
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
