4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
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got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
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In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me