Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.