guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately