We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
