Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
