His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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