dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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