I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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