You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
