I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
