Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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