THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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