Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
