I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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