Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
