So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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