I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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