we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
