He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
