After last night, I could never be a politician.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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