apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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