please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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