My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
