if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
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He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
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Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize