Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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