Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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