Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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