So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my sisters under your porch take her home
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
