If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
