I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
