mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
