College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
