I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
