i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
