dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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