3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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