well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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