I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
