The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
