We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
