Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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